Polyphemus

I have done that which I swore I would not do. I have succumbed to a brief moment of weakness and there is no going back now. It was so easy to do; yet it brought about such a powerful release. I was trembling for hours afterwards; I still do thinking back to that night. I bought a computer. I don’t know what made me do it. There is no rationalizing it. When it arrives in its many boxes of excessive wrapping and packing peanuts, that’s it—life is over.

I have sabotaged any fleeting moments of free time I might have had. I have sabotaged any chances of a social or academic life. Now I will have to struggle against not only my natural inertia and non-motivation but also against the incredible pull of that flashing and whirling behemoth in the corner of my room.

I felt so guilty for doing this to myself. Now that feeling has numbed into apprehensive anxiety. Of course, I couldn’t get just any computer. I had to order all the best parts. Ever since clicking on that order button I can’t stop thinking of all the other things that money could have been spent on, and it makes me nauseous. At fifty dollars per week it could have well fed a person for over seven months. I could have gotten my own bike, or a cheap car. I could have paid someone’s rent for a few months. What does it take to feed a starving child in Africa?

I am addicted to myself. Egotistical egomaniac ego-lover. It’s all about my wants. Yeah, maybe I’ll use it to make beautiful art, which I’ve been craving for years. Or I’ll play games from dusk till dawn. Strength of character and willpower is about to gets its test.